Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
You Might Also Like
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
My favorite female superhero
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!