I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
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{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]