Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
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Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.