Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
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I have the bruises of a much more active person.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.