Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
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I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will