[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
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I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.