@ThugRaccoons

Me: *giggling* No, you hang up

Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls

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@Laser_Cat

Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.

@billwurtz

pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now

@GingaSnapppa

If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.

@tastefactory

Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*

@dumbbeezie

The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story

@BeerFarts101

Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.

@markydoodoo

Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.

@TheIronSherk

If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D

@Home_Halfway

KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait