@ThugRaccoons
@AmishSuperModel The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
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@AmishSuperModel 
@thatdutchperson *strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
@Brianhopecomedy In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
@Reverend_Scott Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
@NewDadNotes [married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
@meantomyself Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
@Chelle_Coops The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
@clichedout Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
@Rad_Lemur The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
@girl_a_whirl {abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?