@ThugRaccoons
@Laser_Cat Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
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@Laser_Cat 
@billwurtz pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
@GingaSnapppa If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
@tastefactory Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
@dumbbeezie The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
@BeerFarts101 Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
@markydoodoo Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
@TheIronSherk If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
@Home_Halfway KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
@UncleDuke1969 *slowly slides PBJ under seat*
