@ThugRaccoons

Me: *giggling* No, you hang up

Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls

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@AmishSuperModel

The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.

@thatdutchperson

*strips naked*

“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?

@Brianhopecomedy

In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

“You heard the song I was playing?”

Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM

“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”

@NewDadNotes

[married people conversations]

Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?

Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Wife: that’s it! thanks!

@Chelle_Coops

The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.

@clichedout

Amazon problems:

1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size

@Rad_Lemur

The defense rests your honor.

*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*