When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
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This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.