If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
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Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
No way!
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
japanese corn
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.