[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
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Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Breaking news:
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce