we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
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Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her