4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
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Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
If I ignore life will it go away?
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!