@TheCatWhisprer

*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*

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@BrettDruck

Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.

@Browtweaten

son: *holding acorn* what’s this?

me: a tree

son: really?

me: in a nutshell, yeah

@tealbluejay

Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?

Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR

For speeding.

@hopiecan

how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things

@drinksmcgee

I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.

@dafloydsta

[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*

@roxiqt

[before tattoos were invented]

ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day

@iamkits

As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God