*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
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Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”