Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
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son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
*takes plate of fries with me*
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God