do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
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i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”