Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
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We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
i will not be silenced
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Matt Goss
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Best spoiler warning ever
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas