6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
You Might Also Like
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
When I said I liked it rough.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Ape together strong
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk