[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
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I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
When I laugh on my period
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.