My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
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*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
The days of good grammer has went
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!