“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
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(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized