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People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you