“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
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I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me: