I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
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People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
mmm onion ringos
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.