I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
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[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…