Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
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Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
is this a warning or an offer?
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.