“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
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My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Always…
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Anime is real
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.