Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
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puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
When he asks for feet pics
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.