[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
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Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Every time.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.