For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
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I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something