If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
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Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Duolingo getting serious.
Its true…
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.