@robyn_vo

I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.

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@Midgetspar

Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.

@IamEnidColeslaw

If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?

@Donna_McCoy

You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.

@Keys_To_Me

I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”

@the_kizzle

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

@midnightwhale

“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”

@leechee420

Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.

@GreenishDuck

This is your brain.

*holds up a brain*

And this is your brain on drugs.

*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*