I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
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Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Breaking news:
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Happy weekend !
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭