[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
You Might Also Like
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.