Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
You Might Also Like
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Lmao
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it