ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.