Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
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Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
that wasn’t the question
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.