You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
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Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Accurate
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.