Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
You Might Also Like
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.