Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.
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1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.
There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”