According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
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I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.