Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
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[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
I gave up going to work for lent.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.