drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
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Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.