1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
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Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)