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Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks