I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
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Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
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[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
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My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.