It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
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Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
This is painfully accurate 😅
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
“You drive, I’m tired.”