It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
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Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*