Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
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Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.