WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
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My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.