If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
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they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
I think this should do it.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun