With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
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I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
stand with me against insufficient seating
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.