Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
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Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.