I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
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Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
That was easy.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do